This post was originally written on August 13th, 2017.
Last night August 12th, I had the most incredible experience. I sat outside on the deck to stargaze and I was about to find a webcast replay to listen to on youwealthrevolution. Normally I will find a replay description that really speaks to me and when listened to I usually find out that synchronicity led me to that piece because it was exactly what I needed at the time and then I’d be lucky to find hints at pieces of wisdom that open up different levels of understanding for and of me. However, scrolling through the replays, none really jumped out at me and when I tried to play one, all of a sudden my internet wouldn’t connect. Lol typical. So I decided to go through my itunes and listen to Jennifer McClean’s “Elevate” or her “Best of Spontaneous Transformation” sessions that I had previously bought and listened to already. I scrolled down and the session on Freedom and Spaciousness sounded nice to me and so I started on that one. A few minutes in I must’ve mistakenly pressed a button because another audio came on that was actually on a different playlist but was one of the Best of Spontaneous Transformation sessions by Jennifer- Your Emotions, Releasing Triggers and Expressing Fully. Bingo. Exactly what I needed. An issue I had been having around my emotions that was continuously affecting my life and that I was just considering- why it is that I am a naturally joyful, compassionate being and yet all too often I get easily triggered by my surroundings, thoughts, whatever, that I lash out or get really overcome with anger and hostility? Why was that? How was it that I could be holding this space for myself to really hold an intention for positive things to enter into my life yet I could easily snap into this judgemental and aggravated state of mind?
In the session, Jennifer worked with a woman named Nancy who was sexually assaulted when she was younger and so she held onto this belief of being unsafe and that showed up in her life as not dating, etc. Part of the Spontaneous Transformation Technique asks you to go into a meditation where you enter the body and go up to that place in your body where this belief/pain/trauma is held and basically you make your presence known to this aspect of yourself that is there and you just be present for them. You really listen to what this aspect has to say and you thank them for holding onto this emotion or upset because this aspect held onto it in order to protect you. It wasn’t safe at the time of the trauma to feel those feelings, and so this part of yourself protected you in this way. Going along with the process I was listening to, I found this flickering, dark wildness somewhere in my throat/head space. This wild energy that was constantly in flux.
I kind’ve got this knowing that it was a strong, protector energy that was primal and fierce but for a purpose. This energy has been protecting me fiercely and lovingly for a long time. I thanked this energy for protecting us and allowed it to express what needed to be expressed and as I stayed with this energy I saw its dark flickering form fill with light. As the moments passed, more light filled its form until it was a more solid-seeming golden statuesque-like image of a protector, proud and confident. At this point, I felt/saw the stuck, cloudy energy that was in my throat and head-space clear up. I felt powerfully present. Then an apparition of a dark brown and green energy came shooting out of my heart area that slanted upwards in front of me and then came to form a kind of metal blade with that green hazyness around its outline, serrated into an interesting shape I haven’t seen before except probably in scifi movies. And then I remembered, and I wasn’t afraid. That sword had stabbed my heart from behind and that is how I died in a past life. I was a warrior and yet capable of so much love. I followed my heart and chose to be a warrior to protect the people I loved. I literally died for love and the fact that I was stabbed through the heart held much significance in the act and also brought the realization that that is why I am so protective of my heart, why I have a hard time loving and trusting because of how I died in that lifetime. I held onto a belief that it wasn’t safe to love and that aspect that was that wild energy was there in my body protecting me (while also causing me to react to things in a more hostile way than might seem necessary). That aspect had a kind of War-like mindset that was protecting me from harm because I had the belief that I had to have that kind of wildness to survive. I saw the root of a pattern of triggered emotions. When I realized all this- that I died for a good cause and that I died with honor, I could feel the hold of that lifetime dissolving. Knowing that I died honorably gave that part of me peace and so it was released. That past life was being resolved, and the message that came through then was that it was in fact safe to love. And what’s more is that it’s worth it.
I’ve never experienced anything quite like that before. I’ve never felt such pride for myself and I felt an immense admiration and respect of who I was and who I AM. I am honored to find that out about myself, and deeply grateful of that chance to finally remember.
I don’t see that as an excuse as to why I have reacted in a certain way in a situation, but rather I feel a widening at my core because I am opening up to more of what and WHO I AM. Knowing more of myself and finding love for those parts of myself that had been hidden from view for so long.
Every day I hope to dig a little deeper, finding out more about myself. Uncovering hidden layers, delving into the deepest parts of myself to seek out the secrets held within so that I may shine the light of clarity upon my soul to understand and to love, all of me. As the moon waxes and wanes, and the cycles of life keep turning, I see the greater and best me shining more and more through, densities falling away to reveal such light. My heart’s deepest desire is merging with and embodying my greatest and highest self, who I know I have actually been all along.
I Am Kawehi. 26 years of life on this earth, steadily growing, rising and blossoming like a lotus birthing through the mud, upwards into crystal waters and then to rest atop in open air as the firey sun alights my form. I wander. I imagine. I expand and seek to understand. I see. I AM.